...or, how to be a fancy chef but kind of suck at it.
Ok, so say you suddenly find yourself with a strange vegetable--in this case, an eggplant. Step one: get on the internet and Google the name of the vegetable until you find a recipe that sounds okay and doesn't have any weird ingredients that woul neccessitate a trip to the store. Take note of the list of ingredients and the instructions, then forget it because we're going to do whatever we want anyway. For advenced cooks, read two different recipes and confuse them in your mind. Professional chefs call this technique
fusion.
We have to bake this eggplant in the oven until it's soft inside. The oven is broken so we'll have to use the toaster oven. Don't worry, it will work. Cut the eggplant into quarters (Actually don't. I think that was a mistake) and place on the rack. Set the toaster oven controls to "eggplant". If your model does not have this setting, turn it to "hot".
Now we have to cook some tomatoes. Wash the tomatoes--oh, dad turned the water off to do plumbing--wipe off the tomatoes. There's no room in the toaster oven, so lets put them on the stove. Let 'em roll around a bit in the pan until they seem cooked, or until you are tired of looking at a bunch of tomatoes. Now dunk the tomatoes in cold water so you can pull the skins off.
Ow. Frickin'... OW! They're hot!We have to saute some onions. Leeks are like onions but fancier. More importantly, I inexplicably have all these leeks here in the garden and I have to do something with them. Chop 'em up and throw 'em in the pan. Oh, and some garlic, too. I've never used fresh garlic in my life, but here's some dried minced garlic that's probably 20 years old. I won't tell if you won't.
Turmeric? That's some kind of spice, right? If we have some it's probably tucked way back in some dusty corner somewhere. I'll substitute in some, uh, thyme! that smells ok. Some ginger, too. I like ginger. Salt and pepper, of course.
I think the eggplant is done now so lets take it out. Smells like sweet potatoes. Now I kind of wish we'd made those instead, but for now we have to mash this up. Ew, it turned all brown and some of it is stringy. Mash mash mash that's enough. Now that the oven's free, I'll put those tomatoes in for a turn, make sure they're cooked.
This kitchen is such a mess. Why doesn't someone clean it up once in a while? There's no room to set anything down.
Okay, now everything's in the pan simmerin' away. Last thing we have to do is beat in a few eggs and let them cook.
What the hell, this stuff looks like puke. But it tastes good! There are some bits of leek in there that are kind of chewy. Maybe we should have let those cook longer but what can you do about that now. Nothing that's what. Apologize and serve with the fancy salad you made out of squash and not-quite-ripe-because-it's-still-august apple slices. Your family will just pick the apples out and eat those.
